Milestone of my youth and pebble of the future(8th Jan 2010)

Today I left my home of 17 years...to pursue my dreams of going to the Olympics for swimming. I doubted this dream today and not only vaguely but more vastly than ever before.Driving in a Honda from Cape Town to East London with dad ,where we will sleep tonight, along the coast provides more than enough visual entertainment for the 15 hour journey. I looked out the window little ,as it then made me feel a little too vulnerable to what was happening and to what has been the hardest decision of my youth thus far. A 4:28am mourn with your best friend-boyfriend and brother at side is not something to boast about .Right now i feel as i have lost and i am lost as I am nothing but an object made to please and command....saying goodbye to my first love and best friend was something that seemed false until last night...when i was sleeping with my mom and brother and of course him in my room ...that i then rather bluntly and suddenly realised that this was infarct the end of the good or rather secure life that I’ve always known...What now? what is to happen of your newly found purpose and love which was...fully and conditionally all just about him. I knew at my age it isn’t right to think in such a frame. The  journey i just embarked is the right thing ,I have to. Speaking sense into my own head is the only comfort i have now...pictures make me hurt and memories make me weak. Cheesy as that is ,it’s hard...and I sit here thinking to myself...”fuck...Peggy what have you done?”.I’m on my own now and my mind is set not on the journey, the training or the new boarding school butt all just him. This is...in fact personal but this is my little way of stitching it back...or what feels like trying to find the pieces among the wreck.Putting head with heart has always just been a fuck up.Tomorrow we drive our final stretch of 600km from East London to Kloof,Durbun...where i will stay ...for the next year...without